Obsessions Counter
Lord, it’s with great humility and difficulty that your servant comes to You after realizing that I’ve poured time into trying to figure out details that, while important in their own right for study and edification, I’ve allowed myself to be caught up trying to solve an equation rather than trust Your word for what it is. Often times I find myself just wanting to know what Your word says through it’s context to know exactly who the audience was, the literary styling, the author of each book, details that are important to understand what Your communicating to us, but then for whatever reason I create an obsession trying to figure out how much of a deeper meaning I can draw out of it. Why? Maybe it’s for my own vanity. Maybe my appearance of intelligence on a particular subject in Your word creates an overinflated image of myself and for some reason that’s why I chase shadows trying to sew them back to my feet. Subjectively, no, I don’t believe there is anything wrong with delving deeper into Your word. Objectively, however, if I’m pouring over and meditating on Your word, it shouldn’t be for my ego and pride, rather it should be for my spiritual growth and ministry.
You know me, Lord. Psalm 139:1-2: David praises God for knowing him intimately, including his thoughts, actions, and place in creation: "You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar". Jeremiah 1:5: "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; before you were born, I sanctified you; and I ordained you a prophet to the nations". 1 John 3:20 says, "For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything". You know me better than I know myself and the worst kind of truth is the truth about yourself you don’t want revealed to anyone. Yet in spite of myself, You broke the walls down, melted the stone, and radically changed my life through Your Son, Jesus Christ. I have an obsessive and addictive personality. The things that I enjoy, I really enjoy them and the things I dislike, I couldn’t care less for, but it’s to a point of over indulgence in anything I do. Is it because I have to know, have to experience, have to control the uncontrollable? Is it the simple innocence of wanting to gain more knowledge, thirst for more wisdom, hunger for more truth? I honestly can’t tell because the lines seem so blurred. I can hear someone commenting, “But being obsessed with God and His word isn’t a bad obsession!” I agree with that 100%. I think where the problem lies with me, however, is when I become so obsessed and hung up on the tiniest details that I want to see a whole book written about one line that’s useful for trivia rather than growth.
The book of Daniel has put my obsessive personality through the ringer these past few days trying to decipher the later half with all of the dates, numbers, visions, and intricacies found throughout. Stepping back from it, I’ve realized something, and Lord I pray it’s from You, that while detail is heavy and included, it’s not necessary that I get so caught up in the equation demanding of myself the correct answer, but rather seeking the truth in context and growing my faith in You over the correct interpretation of which many have differing opinions. In short, I need to pay more attention to Your word so that I may be edified through it rather than being caught up in a mystery that’s already been solved. I will wholeheartedly still seek truth in the context of scripture where there is no interpretation but the truth in its exclusivity, but will pursue it more reasonably rather than allowing a stumbling block to keep me held up mentally and spiritually. I would humbly ask for Your help in this as it will not be easy for me, but I trust in You and Your will to guide me in the direction You have set before me, Amen.